Sep
24

This Sunday the Turds are coming to town to play the Bengals!  Both teams are at an abysmal 0-3 right now and both teams desperately need to win this game.  Also, both coaches, Homeo Crapnell and Starvin Marvin, are also on the hot seat as far as their jobs are concerned.

So in grand fashion, in such a crappy year for this team so far, I must revert back to the days of yore for a slight glimmer of hope from a “Real Cincinnati Hero” (plays Bud Light’s Real Men of Genius song)

Enjoy

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Sep
20

You might be a total douche bag if you’re 28 years old and still live at home with your parents.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re 28 years old and have to abide by a curfew set by your dad, again because you live at home.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re trying your hardest to hook up with girls that are 10+ years younger than you, something you’ve been trying to do for years now.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re currently working in a garden center at a local Meijer.

You might be a total douche bag if you live broke on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis.

You might be a total douche bag if you look at your life and then watch the show “Married With Children” and see no difference between yourself and Al Bundy.

You might be a total douche bag if you sold womens shoes at a local department store at one point in your life.

You might be a total douche bag if you graduated high school 9 years ago and are still trying to relive the glory days.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re still borrowing money from your parents.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re still not man enough at 28 years old to stand up to your parents.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re still going to Metropolis at 28 years old, on a weekly basis, because that’s the only place the girl you like can go (because she’s barely legal).

You might be a total douche bag if you’re back to smoking weed on a daily basis after having not smoked it for approximately 6 years.

You might be a total douche bag if you’re 28 years old and still making slightly over minimum wage.

You might be a total douche bag if one of you’re best friends, who’s a bigger douche bag than you, has a better, higher paying job than you.

You might be a total douche bag if you’ve ditched all your best lifelong friends for some barely legal girl you work with and stand no chance with.

You might be a total douche bag if you keep going after the same girl even though she’s told you time and time again that she doesn’t like you in that way.

You might be a total douche bag if the barely legal girl you like say’s you’re more like a father figure or older brother to her.

You might be a total douche bag if everytime you have a pool party, it always ends up being a massive sausage fest.

You might be a total douche bag if you are caught spooning with another dude at a bachelor party.

You might be a total douche bag if you refer to your 2000 Plymouth Neon as a “sports car” or “race car”

You might be a total douche bag if you still want to move out of your parents house and want to live with a room mate rather than be on your own.

…… More to come later!

🙂

Sep
18

So over the past weekend Missy and I decided to go to the Ohio Renaissance Festival, from this point on known as “ORF.” What a strange experience that was, putting it mildly.

I hadn’t been to the ORF since I was a senior in high school, when we went for a field trip for our English Lit class. For those of you that know me, I WASN’T IN HIGH SCHOOL 40 YEARS AGO!…..just getting that out of the way, DICKS!

So last I remember, keep in mind this was 13 years ago, was that I had fun at the ORF. For the past three years or so I’ve been telling Missy I wanted to go to it. I explained to her that they have Medieval type mud wrestling, competition jousting, and the best part….. they sell these MASSIVE turkey legs at their concession stands. The turkey legs alone make you feel semi Neanderthal Man walking around semi “erect” (hahahaha I said erect!), you know like you just get the urge to go club a woman over the head and drag her back to your cave type feeling.

So yeah, I finally talked Missy into going. I think she was a bit hesitant about it and all but she agreed and I thought it was going to be fun.

So we get out to the middle of east butt fuck and pull in at the ORF and proceed inside. We get inside, and all the ORF employees are dressed in Medieval attire, or at least what they perceive to be Medieval attire. The employees even go to the extent of trying to fake Middle English accents and lingo, albeit VERY poorly.

So Missy and I start walking around. We check out the small shops there, again the shops are designed to look like something from the middle ages. We find a pottery place. We’re walking around checking out the pottery and in the back corner were two busts of naked women. Now me being who I am (after all I did walk around Target wearing a Hannah Montana bike helmet), I had to rush over to get Missy to point it out to her….. mainly cause they were really, really bad. I mean crappy bad! So I kind of point to the worse of the two busts with my ORF program and out of no where the shop owner says to me: “Sir, please don’t grope the statue.”

It totally caught me off guard. Definitely a WTF moment, because I didn’t touch the damn thing at all…. She was just too dumb to figure out that I thought it looked like absolute dog shit. The statue thingy in question, she explained, was a self made rendition of herself….. she was a 40 + year old woman that refuses to wear a bra. She then elaborated, UNFORTUNATELY, that she named it “Gravity” because the statue was all saggy boobed and she (and the statue) had one of those “butt guts”….. you know a butt gut…. Where you’ve got a ton of fat in the front and it looks like you got a butt crack on the front of you! We got the hell out of there kind of quickly after that.

So we’re still walking around looking at some shops, etc. We notice there are a lot of dressed up people there, and for a while assumed that they just worked there. That definitely turned out to not be the case. These people would come in to the ORF as guests dressed in their own Medieval clothing, wielding swords, fairy wings (which I can’t for the life of me figure out what was up with the fairy wings)….. they wore what looked to be like fake body hair where they just took wigs and cut the hair off and clued it to themselves. I’m not talking kids either, full grown adults! Most likely they’re the ones that always got picked on in school and decided they would fantasize about living in the middle ages cause they might have gotten laid by that point in their life if they lived back then.

So we continued to walk around for a bit, checked out the mud pit thing….Sucked. Then we went over to the jousting arena…. Sucked. Then checked out a few more shops… you guess it…. Sucked. Strike 3! We headed out, we had enough of the uber tards for one day…. What a disappointment for me though, something I last remembered being fun, totally ended up sucking big donkey balls!

On the bright side, we did buy a nice pottery bowl!

Sep
13

So Missy gets home from work early today and makes me a pie.

It’s Abbaple!
It’s got lattice crust (translation she loves me a lot)

It took her 4+ hours to make from some Amish cookbook that she found on the internet.  Tangent time!…. Since when do Amish people use the internet?  Really?  How?  Sounds like some good points to ponder!

She doesn’t even like abbaple pie, so IT’S ALL MINE!!!!! She did take 1 bite though, and said it was good.  I on the other hand have all ready eaten a full slice…. DUH!

Thanks Mixxy….. U R DA BEST

Sep
12

You know after today’s fiasco, I get home and I decide to “treat” myself to something I loved as a kid.

SPAGHETTI O’s!!!!!!!

Unfortunately, I remembered Spaghetti O’s tasting so much better as a kid, because now they taste like I just licked Maverick’s food bowl clean.

More like Spaghetti Barfs!!

So much for that plan!…. Back to the ol’ drawin’ board!

Sep
12

“Be vewwy, vewwy quiet…I’m hunting wabbits!”

-Elmer Fudd

Today’s installment from yours truly is one of those that you might see on one of those E! Real Life Stories in a few years.  Ahhh, who am I kidding, it’ll be on next year!

Rewind back to Monday.  I get a call from Company X to come in for a job interview at 1:00 post meridian time on Friday.  That would be today for those of you who don’t monitor a calender.

So I’m pretty excited all week long because Company X is a pretty good place to work from what I hear.

So Friday finally gets here, I wake up, let Maverick out, feed the cat, make some coffee, drink half a pot, read the news, check to see if there’s anything new in the fantasy football world, do the 3 S’s :), then I get all dressed up to go on my 1:00 interview at Company X.

Now Company X is located in downtown Cincinnati.  I am located in Morrow, well to be more precise, I’m located in Hamilton Township for taxation purposes.

So I drive for 30 minutes to get downtown to Company X, spend another 15 minutes looking for parking, finally find a decent spot where I don’t have to walk 15 blocks and proceed to go inside.

I get off the elevator, and walk up to the receptionist desk there.  She looks up at me, remember I’m all dressed up, etc. and say’s, “Hello, may I help you”

I say:  “Yes I’m here for a 1:00 interview with Mr. X that was set up on Monday”

She gasps.

I’m thinking ok what the hell is going on.

She still was speachless.  Dammit quit leaving me in suspense here lady!

She finally opens her mouth and all I heard was “Blah blah blah, I’m a retard”

What she actually said though was:  “Sir, I am soooooo sorry I was instructed to call you yesterday morning my Mr. X and reschedule your interview with him for sometime next week.  He ended up having an unexpected meeting to attend to and after wards plans to go home early.”

I wanted to strangle her!  I mean like white knuckles death grip strangle!

I worked through my extreme frustration, because even with all this happening, what am I going to be able to do about it….. I’m the one that wants a job, not the other way around.  I also didn’t want to leave a bad mark with someone directly tied to Mr. X so I remained what I like to call “aggressively polite”  : )

So in writing the final chapter of the event here, I now have another interview with Company X come next Tuesday, at 1:00 AGAIN.  I hope after this slight fiasco that maybe they feel someone guilty and it automatically bumps me to the leading candidate spot!  Doubtful yes, but still praying for it—- for both my sanity and the sanity of my wife!

*Company X and Mr. X’s names are withheld as to not jeopardize my future interview”

Thank God It’s Friday!

Sep
11

So I just got done writing my first post then I emailed the link out to a few people to read, one being my wife, Missy. She seemed a tad upset that I didn’t mention her at all in my first post. Sweetie, I’m sorry for not mentioning you! I just didn’t want the crazy “To Catch a Predator” (we all know a few of them personally…. don’t deny it CHRIS aka Big D) type people coming after you. I thought it was for your own good.

Truth be told, I didn’t even think about it, not because she’s not the best wife ever and I don’t think about her all the time, but like I said in my very first paragraph this blog will range from totally random (as was the first post) to totally serious (as this one is). That’s how I work. If you know me you all ready know that, if you don’t know me, you’re on a collision course to find out.

So anyway, the bestest wife in the world is going to make me cheddar bay biscuits (from this point on though I’ll be referring to them as “CBB’s”) for dinner, or so I hope, as long as I’m not in the dog house for not mentioning her the first time. If I’m not in the dog house and I get CBB’s rest assured I’ll be doing handstands and backflips, probably as I eat 3 at a time. For those of you who don’t know what a CBB is, meaning you’re border line retarded, go to Red Lobster… they’re delicous, I could make a full meal out of them alone…. I think so could she. So about these CBB’s…. we found a “Famous Restaurants Recipes” cookbook a while ago and the CBB recipe was in there and truth be told, I think the one’s my wife makes are better than the ones you can get at Dead Lobster. Probably cause I know she makes them with love! Just for me!

I’m hoping sometime soon she makes me an abbaple (spelled incorrectly intentionally) pie with the lattice crust, cause everyone knows that if someone takes the time to make a lattice crust rather than the stupid other solid top crust that you know you’re loved because the lattice takes way longer to make. I forsee her be cussing me out under her breath cause she loves me A LOT since it’s taking so long to make a “stupid pie” but it will taste SOOOO GOOD!

Now I leave you with a thought to ponder until next time……. Why did the chicken cross the road?

Sep
11

I’m taking the opportunity to warn everyone who reads this blog from this point forward that I am a nerd and damn proud of it. This blog will range from the totally random, to the completely serious depending on whether or not I took my Zoloft that day or not (j/k)….. Having said that consider yourself having been warned from this point forward.

Continuing on….. I really need to find a job that keeps me busy on a daily basis! (I’m working on it though) I’m running out of informative things to read on the internet…. Yes it’s possible, don’t think it’s not! You may be under the assumption that the internet is a plethora of knowledge….. reality check…….IT’S NOT! 99% of the content on the internet is pure bullshit! Look it up!

Anyways……

Lately I just kind of sit around here at work, pick my ass, play around on the internet for 8 hours a day and I get paid to do it, I do answer the occasional phone call (we’ll get into that in another post)…. yeah it’s pretty cushy and I wouldn’t be surprised to get some responses like “dude why are you bitching about that, I wish I could get paid to do that!” No you don’t! Trust me its gets super old, real fast.

There’s only so many stories I can read about the latest election news or how the world is going to come to an end because the French are uber tards with their development of the LHC, Large Hadron Collider, for those who aren’t nerdy or just don’t care…. which by the way will probably be yet another blundering FAILURE that I also like to equate to being a massive microwave oven….. I do wonder how fast the LHC will be able to defrost a couple thick juicy steaks though! Mmmmm! Beef, it’s whats for dinner!

Well that’s it for touching on the pertinent issues of the day, at least the weekend is fast approaching. Sunday is the Bengals first home opener game versus the Vince Youngless Tennessee Tards. Vince Young can’t make it to the game because he’s currently residing in the psychiatric ward of a Nashville hospital, probably strapped to a bed to the point where he can’t harm himself. Irregardless of VY being in town for the game or not, having seen the Bengals play their first game against the Rat-turds leaves me little hope for the remainder of the season. Feeling the season is all ready lost, at least I have the tailgate to look forward to! Nothing like beer and grilling early on a Sunday morning as a capstone to the weekend!

Finally with it being the 7 year “anniversary” of the World Trade Center attack………….

September 11, 2001 We shall never forget!